Samityville's Worst Horror Remakes of All Time!

Evening cretans!

First of all, my sincere apologies for the lack of posting activity here recently at Samityville on my behalf. I've had some things to deal with over the past week (non-movie related matters) and thus my presence throughout ANOSS has been less than stellar to say the least. Well, it's time to change all that and unleash before you all the partnering list to last week's 'Best Horror Remakes of All Time'. That's right folks - now it's time for the WORST!

Enjoy this compilation and feel free to vent your thoughts on my condemnations, good or bad!



10. The Haunting (1999)



Firstly, I gotta say I didn't mind this remake when it first hit theaters at the end of the millennium. Maybe it was because I was going through a major Phil Tippet visual FX phase (and his work in the film is pretty impressive) or that I saw it with one of my best friends who is very much a film buff like me. But looking back now that 10 years has passed I almost can't believe I considered this over-blown, suspense-less yawner the least bit entertaining. The original film's stunning black & white photography and power of suggestion still make it a masterpiece when compared to Jan de Bont's dreary blockbuster.

9. The Amityville Horror (2005)



When the box office receipts came rolling in, the remake junkies at Platinum Dunes were quick to follow up the success of their 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre redux with another re-telling of a much loved horror classic. This time though it was a less-than-impressive recreation of Stuart Rosenberg's 1979 supernatural sleeper The Amityville horror and its reception lead many fans quick to doubt the company's capability to effectively honor their favorite films. Aside from a solid performance by Ryan Reynolds, the film is full of false scares, text-book cliche's and a truly disappointing finale.

8. The Ring Two (2005)



Thankfully I've blocked most of this film out of my mind since seeing it in theaters. Unlike Gore Verbinski's remake of Hideo Nakata's much lauded Japanese original, this hopelessly convoluted sequel is completely devoid of thrills and logic (even for a horror movie dealing with the supernatural) and makes poor Naomi Watts look like she's the unknowing victim of a 110 minute practical joke. To make matters worse, it was Nakata who was chosen to remake his own movie. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

7. The Hitcher (2007)



While technically not a straight horror film by definition, Robert Harmon's terrific 1986 original embodies the formula of a stalker flick strongly enough to qualify it's genre validity. Too bad this 2007 version didn't take that into account at all when Platinum Dunes released this redux quickie; the subsequent box office results reflecting it's heartless direction and lame script. While a fine actor in his own right, Sean Bean just can't compete with Rutger Hauer's quiet intensity and frightening on-screen presence. Oh, and I never thought I'd be laughing at the inclusion of a Nine Inch Nails score on the big screen but sure enough this film proved me wrong.

6. Pulse (2006)



While he didn't direct it, horror maestro Wes Craven should have perhaps thought twice about having his name attached to this stinker. Another misguided westernization of eastern terrors, Jim Sorenzo's remake is troublesome in almost every department; hollow characterizations, junky set design, swiss-cheese plot holes, etc, etc. And I doubt seeing the film's original R rated cut would make much difference either.

5. Thirt13en Ghosts (2001)



Now this one is truly painful to watch. For all its stunning set design (and I do mean stunning ), Steve Beck's take on William Castle's charmingly cheesy 1960 chiller abandons any kind of film technique in favor of a virtual shredding of the senses through its schizophrenic MTV editing style and an overbearingly loud soundtrack. Forever underestimating its audience, the film not only makes you feel stupid for having watching it in the first place but also disables your ability to recall anything remotely memorable in its 91 minute running time. Cool KNB makeup effects, though.

4. Black Christmas (2006)



Bob Clark's 1974 original is one of my favorite films of all time and to see its name desecrated the way it was in Glen Morgan's sacrilegious remake was like having Billy suffocate me with a plastic bag. The lazy notion of "exploring the backstory" of a film's villain as the sole reason to cast out a remake, let alone having such exposition handled as badly as it was here, is enough to drive any fan up the wall. Half the reason the original film remains as frightening as it is is the complete absence of reason behind Billy's madness and the fact you only see as much as a peeking eye or a hand reach out of the darkness to indicate his identity. Morgan's screenplay turned out to be unbearably dumb and the multiple reshoots did nothing to make matters better.

3. The Wicker Man (2007)



Even one of Hollywood's most eccentric actors couldn't help Warner Bro's save one of cinema's worst ever remakes. With a laundry list of inherent problems too comprehensive to include here, Neil LaBute's horrendously laughable interpretation of one of Britain's finest horror movies is a genuine oddity of disastrous proportions - a film perpetually confused of its intent as either a straight comedy or serious horror film. Perhaps the only reason this movie isn't higher in the list is due to its pure entertainment value as one of the worst films you will ever see. Guaranteed.

2. The Fog (2005)



One of the more truly embarrassing moments in horror history is the bone-chillingly bad redux of John Carpenter's minor 1980 classic. It's as if director Rupert Wainwright and Sony Screen Gems took everything that made the original so eerie and simply threw it into the mist, leaving nothing but a soggy PG-13 horror with no mood, no thrills and no sense. And if that sounds bad, it also ends with two ghosts kissing. Yep, you heard right.

AND THE WINNER IS...

1. Psycho (1998)



The expression on Anne Heche's face should tell you everything you need to know about this, the worst ever horror remake. In many ways it's not necessarily the worst remake in terms of film technique or production capability, but rather director Gus Van Sant's sheer blasphemous intent for having the film exist purely to serve as a shot-for-shot retelling of Alfred Hitchcock's immortal masterpiece - this time in color(!) - that make it the crowning defiler of original horror in my books. I simply ask, "why"?

What say of you, cretans?

Samityville's Best Horror Remakes of All Time!

Evening cretans!

Well, here it is - a compiled list of my all time favorite horror remakes. Following up soon in the coming days will be another list at the opposite end of the spectrum. Until then, enjoy this compilation and feel free to vent your thoughts on my recommendations, good or bad!



10. House of Wax (2005)



Many fans and critics objected to even the slightest thought of Dark Castle touching the original Vincent Price masterpiece, but I for one am a huge fan of Jaume Collet-Serra's movie primarily for the reason that he made it his OWN movie. It's a nice throwback to the slasher films of the 80s and I respect it for embracing the genre's cliché’s and conventions and having fun in doing so. Many complained it took too long for the suspense to get rolling but the cruel, nasty streak that surrounded the kills was a welcome return to days of old...and Paris Hilton gets a pipe through the head dammit!

9. The Hills Have Eyes (2006)



One of several Wes Craven reduxes to hit the screen so far, Hills exhibits a level of intensity and maniacal rage that made it a more than worthy re-telling of the 1977 original. Director Alexandre Aja's set action-heavy pieces and strong sense of suspense, combined with some fantastic makeup from the always reliable KNB made this little shocker quite the bone of contention for the MPAA on its initial release.

8. Halloween (2007)



Now it goes without saying this is surely the most objectionable entry in this list for many fans of John Carpenter's 1978 slasher opus. But before you tear by throat out and take a dump down my neck, consider this: was Rob Zombie's remake really deserving of all that backlash? Aren't there far worse remakes of horror classics out there? Carpenter's original is my favorite film of all time and it's true RZ never quite reaches the heights of the that seminal slasher but this reworking is slick, brutal, filled with funhouse elements and remains uncompromisingly grim from start to finish. Zombie shouldn't be damned for this film; I say he should be rewarded for a decent effort that manages to at least serve up 2 hours of solid horror entertainment. I salute you, Rob.

7. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)



With a relentlessly ferocious pace and a visual scheme that made the film look as thought it had literally been churned through a slaughterhouse, Marcus Nispel's 2003 TCM - for better or worse - single-handedly opened up the floodgates for the fright remake frenzy. The absence of the original's infamous dinner scene had many fans hurling their popcorn at the screen but isn't a remake supposed to be different from its predecessor anyway? This film was a meat cleaver to the skull for many unsuspecting teenagers thinking they were going to get I'll Always and Forever Know What You Did Last Summer rather than a full-blooded horror movie.

6. Dawn of the Dead (2004)



When talk first emerged of George Romero's zombie masterpiece Dawn of the Dead being remade, fans worldwide nearly all committed synchronized suicide. The holy grail for almost all horror buffs, the original film is one we will forever worship and, thankfully, Zack Snyder clearly understood this when he took on the directing duties for the remake. The result is - wisely - its own beast; a lightening fast, action-packed gore-a-thon that sports some truly spectacular sequences and a killer cast to boot.

5. The Ring (2002)



Reproducing terror from the Easten side of the globe has become more than just a fad for Hollywood - it's regular production process nowadays. The unnerving and downright disturbing nature of modern Japanese chillers such as The Grudge, Dark Water and Ringu has clearly proven to be ripe material for the West and it was only a matter of time until the translation was made into English. Here, Gore Verbinski crafted a sensationally creepy thriller filled with beautifully haunting imagery and a terrifying soundtrack to maximum effect, all complimenting a terrific lead performance by Naomi Watts. If we could only forget about its horrid sequel..

4. The Blob (1988)



All hail Chuck Russell! This is, quite simply, one of the most enjoyable remakes EVER made, regardless of genre. Growing up I must have worn the hell out of my old VHS copy of this as I watched it almost every week, rewinding and replaying the awesome creature effects work and dreaming about getting it on in that car with Erika Eleniak...before she turns into the blob that is. Bottom line, Russell's film is pure 80s popcorn horror entertainment - gleefully gruesome, tounge-in-cheek and still has the best performance from Kevin Dillon to date.

3. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)



Talk about sci-fi horror at its finest. Even though the Don Siegel film is a masterpiece in it own right, the concept of the original was further expanded and articulated to frightening effect in Philip Kaufman's 1978 version and has emerged as the best interpretation of Jack Finney's serial thus far. The groundbreaking effects, claustrophobic mood and impending sense of dread are expertly handled by all involved and it still manages to put many contemporary paranoid thrillers to shame.

2. The Fly (1986)



The original was a camp 1950s sci-fi romp with a great concept and perhaps the most laid-back performance from Vincent Price you're ever likely to see. But Canadian native David Cronenberg discarded the cheese and light-hearted frights in favor of a gruesome but thoughtful tale all his own. Even though it's a love story at its core, the film remains the crowning achievement in the body horror sub-genre, complete with Academy Award winning effects work by Chris Walas, two affecting lead performances and a genuine scientific curiosity. And who would have thought a giant exploding fly head could have you on the verge of tears?

AND THE WINNER IS...

1. The Thing (1982)



The Thing is, undeniably, the remake to end all remakes. When it comes to new versions of old horror movies none have bettered the mood, atmosphere and sheer terror of this one...and it's arguably still the best film John Carpenter has ever made. Not only does he better Howard Hawk's excellent 1953 original, Carpenter's takes the isolated environment of the antarctic and turns it into both a physical and psychological prison for the men entombed within its mountainous walls, making for an irresistibly intense pot-boiler of emotions and character interaction. Rob Bottin's stunning FX work still holds up to this day, servicing as pure movie magic as well as being relevant to the story's development of concept. Kurt Russell's beautifully understated performance is perfect for a film that puts an emphasis on the bond created between men going through an experience as one, making it all the more heartbreaking to watch when all that trust is abandoned and replaced with fear. A sci-fi/horror masterwork, a monster movie classic, an elegy for humanity's crumbling faith in one another... The Thing is all these things, not to mention being a remake that truly stands alone from the original and betters it on all counts.

What say of you, cretans?

Remaking, Reimagining, Reinventing...

Evening cretans!

August 17th, 2003. Marcus Nispel's remake of Tobe Hooper's much revered 1974 horror film The Texas Chainsaw Massacre hits theaters in the U.S. Both the box office and majority of critical feedback is overwhelmingly positive, despite boundless backlash from genre fans in the months leading up to its release.

March 10th, 2004. Zack Snyder's remake of George Romero's pinnacle zombie masterpiece Dawn of the Dead storms into U.S theaters and is also greeted with a healthy box office return and favorable feedback, this time from both fans and critics alike.

October 14th, 2005. Rupert Wainwright's remake of John Carpenter's beloved 1980 ghost story The Fog opens in theaters across America. This time, however, both critical and box office returns are disastrously negative...

Ah, yes. The 21st century Hollywood trend of remaking cult horror movies. With the exception of a handful of good ones, the majority are painfully, mind-numbingly, vomit-inducingly bad. Since the TCM remake in 2003 there has been a continually steady flow of reduxes put into production - some theatrical releases, others direct to video - with varying degrees of success. Most of these films have been met with severe counterattack from fans since the day of their inceptions, with these feelings of negative criticism being usually dead-on when the final product is revealed to be nothing more than a quick cash-in on an all too popular industry fad.

It's no wonder why these remakes are so popular from a production standpoint, as even a large percentage of the bad ones have proven to be successful enough to retrieve the studios their budgets back. If an audience is familiar with the originals, they're more likely going to turn up to their local multiplex and purchase a ticket than stay at home wondering, even if it's simply so they can see how horribly the filmmakers have misinterpreted the previous movie then bitch about it online. Like it or not, it looks like remakes of fright fare are here to stay.

For a while at least..

Heard Something in 'The Ward'?

Morning cretans!

John Carpenter's upcoming return to big-screen horror has finally wrapped shooting and is slowly continuing to make appearances amongst the headlines, as star Amber Heard ( All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, the upcoming Stepfather remake) shared a few words on her thoughts about The Ward and the film's current state of production.

"I think it's awesome," she enthuses. "John is a legend and rightfully so. I love that I got to work with him."

Heard co-stars alongside Danielle Panabaker and Jared Harris in what is Carpenter's first feature film since Ghosts of Mars . "My character is arrested and thrown into an institution in the '60s," she explains of the supernatural . "She meets all of these other characters and things start happening in the institution. You have to second-guess your main character, me, because she is in a mental institution. There are a lot of things that are coming in and out of the and you don't know what to think. It's pretty intense. The film's in post-production and it will hopefully honor the script, but it was fantastic and a thrilling story."

The Ward is currently slated for a release mid 2010.

Link courtesy of Shock Till You Drop .

Feaure Length Review: 'Splinter' (2008)

The bio/body-horror sub genre is one seldom explored in the fright field of modern day. In an age when most cinematic horrors originate from rejuvenated psychopaths and the undead, more personal fears like viral infection and grotesque medical diseases seem like an after thought and something of the past. Director Toby Wilkins, however, hasn’t forgotten the power of classics like John Carpenter’s The Thing or David Cronenberg’s The Fly - films that clearly acknowledge the primal human fear of getting sick and its subsequent effect on both the physical and mental state of those afflicted by it. His exceptional genre debut Splinter - a body horror/monster pic that sports both blood and brains in equal doses – is a great example of humans forced to sacrifice their own bodies in order to survive.



THE LOWDOWN: While on an anniversary camping trip in the woods of Oklahoma, Polly (Jill Wagner) and her nerdy boyfriend Seth (Paul Costanzo) are hijacked by small-time thug Dennis (Shea Whigham) and his drug-addled partner Lacey (Rachel Kerbs) and forced to drive toward the Mexican boarder. While enroute to their destination they hit something in the middle of the road; a small dog infected with a very bizarre parasite that seems to have taken over the canine’s body even after death. Startled, the group continues on their way but soon their car radiator overheats and they are forced to stop at a gas station for help. Upon finding the station deserted and the attendant dead from the same deadly organism, the group take refuge inside the store in an effort to fend off the aggressive critter.



THE TERROR TALE & ITS TIMING: At its core Splinter is a siege movie, reminiscent of Night of the Living Dead, Assault on Precinct 13, Tremors and many others alike which illustrate the ordeals suffered by a small group of individuals at the hands of an aggressor whilst trapped inside a claustrophobic environment. And while we may all not have experienced such a situation in our lives, it is a premise anybody can immediately relate to because of the inherent ‘what would I do?’ factor. For an audience these types of movies always seem to evoke a lot of active participation and lively vocal commentary, in many cases causing one to yell at the screen in either frustration or admiration, depending on the circumstances the characters find themselves in and the choices they make. Wilkins takes full advantage on this concept by pitting his two lead characters against not one but two evil enemies – the creature itself and Dennis’ criminal fugitive – creating an interesting comparison of whom is more threatening to their survival. However derivative in set-up and scenario it may be, the best thing about Splinter is its simplicity of story and directness of action, making for a good old-fashioned romp anchored by an intriguingly different monster.



Speaking of monsters, the neat creature work and concept design of Splinter go a long way in making it the successful movie that it is. If this were just another bunker movie with zombies, vampires or even some obscure viral infection the result would likely be a passable genre note at best. Not to give too much away, the main difference between Splinter’s vile cretan and the likes of a Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers is the complexity of disposition intrinsic to its survival. Right from the get-go in any Friday the 13th or Halloween entry you know what to expect as far as the killer’s motivation and habits are concerned, likening such cinematic madmen to predictable cliché’s that rarely (if ever) change from sequel to sequel. And as appealing as these villains are in their own right, the organic obscurity of nightmare nasties like the black splinters featured here make not only the action of the film more entertaining but also thought-provoking. Oh, and aside from all the behavioural implications and biological curiosity, these splinters are freaky as hell!



DOOMED CHARACTERS: Given the nature of the siege scenario, a film like this unquestionably needs likeable characters one can identify with, otherwise an audience isn’t going to be invested in the fate of the players one little bit. Put simply: if YOU were in that gas station and YOU were fighting for YOUR life, the characters need to reflect the same paranoia, frustration and desperation YOU would feel if they were in your shoes. Thankfully, Wilkins’ characters are both relatable and believable and never over-estimate themselves or the situation at hand through result of their attitudes or actions in face of death itself. As life would have it so often, these are merely normal, unassuming people caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, never in their wildest dreams thinking they would ever come in contact with the horrors that await them by the end of the movie. And while they may be from opposing words, the dire situation Polly and Seth find themselves in forces them to abandon any inhibitions they may have regarding Dennis' morality or pretense and instead come together as one in order to fight their adversary. The isolation of the environment also helps from a writing standpoint, allowing Kai Barry and Ian Shorr’s script to generate subtle character flaws and insecurities during the film’s more quiet moments. Wagner and Costanzo make an instantly convincing onscreen couple and both carry the movie’s conscience with a simple amiability and likeness that helps counteract Whigham’s deplorable ex-con. All round, the performances are solid and convincing.



THE LOOK OF FEAR: Splinter ’s relatively low budget is but a total asset to its effectiveness as a horror movie, never once feeling over produced or spoiled with production resources misspent. The film was shot entirely on location in Oklahoma and feels nothing but authentic as a result, further adding to the feeling of rural horror and small town remoteness. The gas station, at first merely a hotbed for hick passer-bys, soon becomes a virtual hell soaked in blood and other bodily fluids; a rustic nightmare comparable to the log cabin in The Evil Dead . The desecration of the location is all but exemplified through Quantum Creation FX’s superb practical creations, ranging from hideously contorted corpses and animatronic puppets to a full-blown amalgamation of body parts that constitutes the film’s key villain. The effects are all impressively executed with little-to-no CG manipulation - a sincere blessing when it comes to this type of movie and something fans are sure to appreciate. The only real drawback among the mayhem is the occasionally distracting camerawork and unnecessarily frenetic editing during the action sequences, likely a result of trying to mask the difficulty of pulling off such illusions on set. Instead of creating an immediacy to the mayhem, Wilkins’ over-reliance on close ups and shaky hand-held sometimes make the laws of cause-and-effect confusing, thus leaving you a little clueless as to what exactly happens during select scenes. A minor misstep in an otherwise technically polished low budget film.



THE SOUND OF FRIGHT: Another standout feature in Splinter ’s eclectic carnival of horrors is its brilliant sound design. In trying to articulate the crude behavior of a fictional monster, a variety of questions arise in what it would actually sound like in its natural environment and when in contact with foreign beings. Wilkins laden’s his film with a plethora of uniquely expressive and frighteningly eerie audio effects that make the parasite all the more tangible in the movie’s mundane surroundings. The chaos and commotion is again augmented through the sonically rich score by Elia Cmiral, an immensely talented young composer whose genre roots go all the way back to Martin Donovan’s slick 1988 thriller Apartment Zero .



FINAL THOUGHTS: It’s difficult to watch Splinter and not be reminded of similar movies of its ilk. However, this recognisability also demonstrates the film’s knowingness and respect for its peers and more importantly its willingness to further push the siege sub-genre into uncharted territory with a unique monster all its own. You can tell Wilkins and co had high aspirations when conceiving their macabre little picture and through believable characters and a striking central menace, Splinter is an attention-grabbing debut that deserves more than just a prick.

Dir: Toby Wilkins
Writer: Kai Barry & Ian Shorr
Cast: Shea Whigham, Paulo Costanzo, Jill Wagner, Rachel Kerbs
Country: USA
Run Time: 82min
Rated: MA+

Feaure Length Review: 'Buried Alive' (2007)

Robert Kurtzman (the ‘K’ in KNB FX) is no stranger to horror movies. He co-founded one of the most talented and in-demand special effects companies in Hollywood, having now been credited with working on over 400 features for both film and television as well as having started his own visual effects company - Precinct 13 - in the process. Like many other effects gurus, Kurtzman had long possessed a passion to one day jump in the director’s chair and helm a fright feature of his own. Although he has now directed five genre flicks and has more currently in development, Kurtzman has never quite managed to deliver a fully accomplished, engaging horror story and the hopelessly lacklustre Buried Alive is but yet another notch on his frustratingly below-average directorial resume’.



THE LOWDOWN: College student Zane (Terrance Jay) and his cousin Rene (Leah Rachel) decide to take a weekend trip to their family’s old ranch house in the desert. While Rene brings along two young sorority pledges Laura (Erin Reese) and Juile (Lindsey Scott) who are in the midst of their initiation, Zane’s plans are to uncover – with the help of computer nerd Phil (Germaine De Leon) - a supposed gravesite of hidden treasure left behind at the house by his ancestors. The homestead’s redneck caretaker Lester (the great Tobin Bell) unsuccessfully tries to warn the young potheads of the danger surrounding the area and the family’s dark history, whilst secretly attempting to unearth the fortune himself. But as the sun soon sets and skin is exposed…yeah, you can pretty much figure out the rest…



THE TERROR TALE & ITS TIMING: Even in its first 20 minutes of screen time, one has immediately got to wonder how such painfully predictable and formulaic scripts like Buried Alive manage to attract the talent of filmmakers like Kurtzman, much less get financed in the first place. From its misleading opening right through to its unsatisfying conclusion, the movie is an endless slug of slasher cliché’s and tiresome conventions, all of which could have been nostalgic and enjoyable but instead are simply treated as standard rehearsal procedure. Granted, it’s pretty difficult these days to come up with a memorable stalker flick when the genre is so well-worn but it also never hurts a filmmaker to at least strive for some degree of originality and creativity in this the most lucrative of subgenres. The film’s story, characters, set pieces – even the kills – are so standard in nature that it’s hard to ever care about any of the events that take place on screen. To make matters worse, at least two thirds of the running time is spent attempting to give the audience the chance to feel some kind of sympathy for the films’ flimsy characters before they are inevitability knocked off - a serious misstep that only ends up further highlighting the uneventful proceedings that lie ahead. As you can probably guess by now, the real killer here is Art Monterastelli’s monotonous screenplay, one that could have benefitted from some serious tightening up and a far more affectionate approach to its characters and convoluted backstory.



The thing that makes Buried Alive such a difficult movie to stay interested in is its general sense of de rigueur. Instead of allowing the action to play out more fluently so it seems less ‘scripted’ almost every scene comes across feeling forced and unnatural, as if written and directed on auto-pilot. Moreover, the film is filled with many head scratching moments – there’s the most convenient seduction scene between two characters you’re ever likely to see, one co-ed is somehow tattooed with symbols that end up being the key to her salvation, another is killed off outside in broad daylight and no one discovers his corpse until the pitch black of night, etc, etc. These and many other baffling tidbits only add to the aggravation experienced when watching the film, especially when one knows Kurtzman is capable of so much more than this.



DOOMED CHARCTERS: Ah yes, the characters. Hang on…what characters? Performance-wise, Buried Alive ’s cast of youthful players do exactly the kind of justice their deeply uninteresting roles require of them; a group of clumsy cunnilingers who bitch, whine and abuse their way throughout the movie, never once uttering an intelligent sentence or making an informed decision in the face of death. But are these really the kind of people one would like to spend 90 minutes with? The handsome jock, the stuck-up girlfriend, the bimbo airhead, the snivelling nerd…it’s as if they’re all pre-packaged and primed for expectation, never once straying from the traits they each exhibit from the film's first frame. With not a single likeable character to speak of (with perhaps of the exception of Tobin Bell’s gleefully hammy messenger of doom), how can we possibly give a shit when any one of them is turned into mincemeat at the hands of a crusty old vengeful housewife? Speaking of killer housewives, the raggedy old hag is a woefully underwhelming villain and could not be any less threatening if her false teeth fell out. Oh, and did I mention how irritating it is when a character feels the need to scream out the title of the movie during a scene?



THE LOOK OF FEAR: Unlike its script, Buried Alive is at least technically proficient. Well, for the most part anyway. From a production value standpoint the film is always slick and polished and Kurtzman definitely knows how to use the widescreen format to make his cast look pretty. But when it comes to the grue, one has to wonder why it takes a whole 40 minutes for the first drop of blood to be shed and then another 30 minutes after that for the next? At its core, this is a slasher movie: plain and simple. By its very nature there should at least be a consistent death every 10-15 minutes but instead we’re forced to listen to the film’s painful characters yammer back and forth about pretentious sorority traditions and the “most uncomfortable places” they’ve ever screwed. Even more disappointing than the lack of suspense are the kills themselves, relying heavily on CGI renderings rather than traditional practical effects. The sanitised nature of the gore (particularly Danny’s death, which looks like a bad After Effects creation) does nothing to suspend viewer disbelief and elicits groans rather than gasps.



THE SOUND OF FRIGHT: Interestingly, Terrance Jay – the film’s lead protagonist – also scored Buried Alive - a rare credit indeed for an actor of his age, or any actor for that matter. It’s pretty standard stuff and only covers the conventional horror tropes of sonic menace but you gotta admire the guy for taking a stab (no pun intended) at more than one creative role in a film he’d already been cast to headline. The music is perhaps at its best during the finale when it really gets cooking at a tight pace, although not much can be said for the rest of the film’s duration as it tends to feel a little too much like a direct-to-video score…which the movie is. Whoops!



FINAL THOUGHTS: When watching Buried Alive , you can’t help but be reminded of the many far superior slasher flicks that preceded it almost three decades prior. The whole movie feels tired and tedious, not just for the viewer but also the actors on screen. If you’re like me and stubborn enough to stick around till the end in the hope things will get better, you’re definitely a devotee of the genre. What that says about you and me and our shared insistence for hiring out bad horror movies, I’m not entirely sure. All I know is that if Buried Alive were to be the first and last slasher film you ever see, you’d swear you’d watched a life times’ worth of these movies after just one viewing.

Dir: Robert Kurtzman
Writer: Art Monterastelli
Cast: Leah Rachel, Erin Reese, Tobin Bell
Country: USA
Run Time: 94min
Rated: MA+